Hevitra ato Anatiny
Much has been said about the importance of setting boundaries, but what does this mean in practice? How to dare to finally start defending your territory from those who regularly encroach on it?
“Our personal boundaries determine what we are ready and not ready to do. Our boundaries determine how we respond to the behavior of others, but by setting boundaries, we are not trying to change other people, ”explains psychotherapist Shari Stynes.
Our boundaries are closely related to our sense of self-worth, responsibility and maturity. Boundary problems usually arise for two reasons: nurture or fear.
There are three main types of personal boundaries:
1. Tough — we set them in situations where we adhere to strict rules and keep our distance without getting close to other people.
2. Confused — these boundaries arise in a symbiotic relationship in which either you serve as a means to satisfy someone else’s needs and needs, or someone serves as such a means for you.
3. Permeable — this is usually the healthiest kind of boundaries: you clearly know where your space ends and the other’s space begins, but at the same time you are not afraid to let each other into your space.
“Most often it is worth striving to build reliable, but at the same time porous borders. This means that you know yourself, your rights and responsibilities, allow others to be themselves without requiring them to change for you, ”says Shari Stynes.
How to define your boundaries?
“Never make big decisions when you’re upset, jealous, or in love,” advises coach Mario Tegu. Ultimately, the main thing is to truly know yourself, build your value system and area of responsibility. Shari Stines recommends an exercise that will help you better understand your personal boundaries and determine what needs to be changed:
1. Make a list of your problems. What worries you?
2. List everyone involved with your problems. Whom do these problems concern? What are your obligations to these people?
3. What do you want? Often, those who have problems with personal boundaries do not even know what they really want. It is important to truly know yourself in order to understand your true desires and needs.
4. Determine who is responsible for what. Are you taking on someone else’s responsibilities? Decide who should do what in the current situation.
5. Define the extreme limits of what is acceptable: what you are ready and not ready to endure. These boundaries are not discussed.
Remember that your boundaries are defined by your actions, not by the actions of others. “You decide what you do, and I decide what I am willing to endure,” write psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Even if you feel selfish and feel guilty, try to reconsider these beliefs.
Let’s take a household example: you are tired of constantly asking your partner to remove your socks. Stop reminding him or her about it, just put your socks somewhere (like a laundry basket) and forget about it. It’s not even worth talking about this topic — just deal with the problem yourself and live on.
How to set boundaries:
1. Remember, your boundaries are about you, not others.
2. Be prepared for resistance — both others and your own. You will have to overcome your fears and will most likely bring up hidden issues from childhood or from previous relationships in which you were not allowed to set and defend your boundaries. When you try to build boundaries in a relationship with a psychologically unhealthy or dysfunctional person, you are likely to meet resistance or even attempts at revenge.
3. Allow yourself to set limits. Remember that you have the right to take care of your own interests. Even if you feel selfish and guilty, try to reconsider these beliefs and make a conscious decision not to give in. Remind yourself that this is what adults and mature people do.
What to do if you know your limits, but are not yet ready to defend them
Perhaps you already know what boundaries you would like to build in a relationship with a certain person, but for some reason you are not yet ready to set and protect them. What can be done?
1. Be open about your wishes. Tell someone about them. Write them down on paper.
2. Look inside yourself to understand why it is difficult for you to defend these boundaries. You may need help to sort through your fears, insecurities, and inner blocks that prevent you from setting and defending boundaries.
3. Change your relationship with a certain person gradually. Start with phrases like «I don’t agree with this», «I don’t approve of this». Don’t be afraid to say what you think openly, but avoid threats. Say openly what you want, while understanding that this is part of the process of your personal growth. Over time, you will feel stronger and easier to set and defend boundaries and take care of your own needs and needs in practice.
Boundaries should do you good, don’t be their slave and don’t worry about what others think
If you feel that it is difficult for you to set the necessary boundaries, be patient and indulgent with yourself. Don’t scold yourself. Remember that your difficulties have their reasons, but gradually you will cope with everything. You can start by setting a boundary for yourself: “I will stop criticizing myself and be patient with myself, realizing that I have to make difficult decisions.”
“Over time, you will get better at setting and defending boundaries. Don’t forget that they should do you good, don’t become their slave and don’t worry about what others think. You have your own needs and possibilities. The main thing in the process of setting your boundaries is to have the courage to firmly decide what you are ready and what you are not ready to do, and ignore other people’s objections, ”Summarizes Shari Stines.
Momba ny Mpanoratra: Shari Stynes dia mpitsabo aretin-tsaina manam-pahaizana manokana amin'ny fitsaboana ny fikorontanan'ny toetra sy ny vokatry ny trauma ara-tsaina.