Hevitra ato Anatiny
Adult children share their experiences with friends much more willingly than with their parents. This is quite natural, because peers understand each other better. As a rule, the most sympathetic and sympathetic teenagers volunteer to become «psychotherapists», but this mission is often risky, explains professor of psychiatry Eugene Berezin.
Mental disorders «get younger» every day. According to recent studies, cases of chronic loneliness, depression, anxiety and suicide have become more frequent among young people. The good news is that most young people openly discuss emotional and behavioral problems.
However, many still hesitate to seek professional counseling due to social prejudice, shame, and the difficulty of finding a therapist.
Boys and girls consider friends the main and often the only support. For teenagers and young people, this is logical and natural: who, if not a friend, will give advice and moral support? After all, they don’t tell everyone about the trouble: you need a sensitive, attentive, responsive and reliable person. And given the obstacles that prevent access to professional psychologists, it is not surprising that the role of saviors is often played by peers.
But here’s the catch: being the only support for a friend isn’t easy. It’s one thing to help you get through temporary life difficulties — a difficult break, an overwhelmed session, family troubles. But when it comes to serious mental disorders that cannot be overcome on his own, the savior feels helpless and keeps his friend afloat with the last of his strength. Leaving him is also not an option.
Tellingly, teenagers get into such situations of their own free will. They are so susceptible to the pain of others that they instantly pick up distress signals and are the first to rush to the rescue. Personal qualities that save others turn against them and prevent them from setting boundaries. They turn into tear vests.
What it’s like to be a «vest for tears»
While helping others, we get some non-material benefit for ourselves, but such help also carries certain risks. Parents and teenagers themselves need to understand what awaits them.
Mahasoa
- Helping others makes you better. A true friend is a high and honorary title that speaks of our decency and reliability. This boosts self-esteem.
- By supporting a friend, you learn mercy. The one who knows how to give, and not just take, is able to listen, understand, respect and sympathize.
- Listening to someone else’s pain, you begin to take psychological problems more seriously. Supporting others, we not only try to understand their condition, but also to know ourselves. As a result, social awareness increases, and after it — emotional stability.
- Talking to a friend can really save. Sometimes a conversation with a friend replaces the advice of a specialist. Therefore, some organizations that promote the development of school psychological support groups even provide professional supervision to adolescents who are ready to do this.
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- Increasing stress levels. Psychologists and psychiatrists know how to manage emotions when communicating with patients, but most people are not trained in this. Someone who supports a friend with serious psychological problems often becomes a «guardian on call», who is constantly tormented by anxiety and anxiety.
- Other people’s difficulties turn into an unbearable burden. Some mental disorders, such as chronic depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD, addictions, eating disorders, are too serious to rely on the help of a friend. Adolescents do not have the skills of a psychotherapist. Friends should not take on the role of specialists. Not only is this scary and stressful, but it can also be dangerous.
- It’s scary to ask adults for help. Sometimes a friend begs you not to tell anyone. It also happens that a call to parents, a teacher or a psychologist is equated with betrayal and the risk of losing a friend. In fact, turning to adults in a potentially dangerous situation is a sign of genuine concern for a friend. It is better to enlist support than to wait until he or she hurts himself and suffers remorse.
- Feeling guilty about your well-being. Comparing yourself to others is natural. When a friend is doing poorly and you are doing well, it’s not uncommon to feel guilty that you haven’t experienced major challenges in life.
Torohevitra ho an'ny ray aman-dreny
Teenagers often hide from their parents that their friends are in trouble. Mostly because they do not want to abuse other people’s trust or are afraid that adults will tell their friends about everything. In addition, many grown-up children jealously guard their right to privacy and believe that they can cope without you.
However, you can support the child who has taken on the role of «vest».
1. Start Candid Conversations Early
Children are more willing to talk about a potential threat if you have repeatedly discussed relationships with friends with them before. If they see you as a comrade who is ready to listen and give reasonable advice, then they will certainly share their concerns and come for help more than once.
2. Be interested in what they live
It is always useful to ask children how they are doing: with friends, at school, sports section, and so on. Get ready to faint from time to time, but if you show interest regularly, you will be shared with the most intimate.
3. Offer support
If you’ve been told that a friend is having problems, ask your child open-ended questions about how they feel without getting into details about the friend. Once again, assure that you can always ask for advice. Keep the door open and he’ll come when he’s ready.
If you think your teen should talk to someone else, suggest reaching out to a trusted family or friend. If children are hesitant to open up to you or other adults, have them read the suggestions below as a guide to self-help.
Tips for teenagers
If you’re giving moral support to a friend who’s dealing with psychological issues, these tips will help keep the situation under control.
1. Define Your Role, Goals, and Opportunities in Advance
Think about whether you are ready in principle to support peers. It’s hard to say no, but it’s your choice. If you agree to help, even in minor matters, it is important to immediately discuss what you can and cannot do.
Say that you are happy to listen, support and help with advice. But friends should understand: you are not a psychologist, therefore you do not have the right to give recommendations in situations that require professional training. You cannot be the only savior because the responsibility is too great for one.
And finally, the most important thing: if a friend is in danger, the help of parents, a teacher, a doctor may be needed. You cannot promise complete confidentiality. Prior arrangements are required. They prevent misunderstandings and accusations of betrayal. If you have to involve someone else, your conscience will be clear.
2. Don’t be alone
Although friends may insist that no one but you should know what is happening to them, this will not help anyone: the burden of moral support is too heavy for one. Immediately ask who else you can call for help. This could be a mutual friend, a teacher, a parent, or a psychologist. Building a small team is a way to avoid feeling like all the responsibility is on your shoulders.
3. Karakarao tsara ny tenanao
Remember the rule of the plane: put on the oxygen mask first on yourself, then on your neighbor. We can only help others if we ourselves are emotionally healthy and can think clearly.
Of course, the desire to help friends in trouble is noble. However, when it comes to moral support, careful planning, healthy boundaries, and meaningful actions will make your task much easier.
About the Author: Eugene Berezin is Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard University and CEO of the Youth Mental Health Center at Massachusetts General Hospital.