Hevitra ato Anatiny
Three ego-states: Parent, Adult, Child — live in each of us, but if one of the three «seizes power», we inevitably lose a sense of inner confidence and pleasure from life. To find harmony and balance these three components, we need to understand when we are under the power of one of them.
“According to the theory of transactional analysis, in each of us there are three subpersonalities — Adult, Parent, Child. This is a kind of reworked and less abstract concept of the Ego, Super-Ego and Id by Sigmund Freud, which is convenient to rely on for a person who seeks to harmonize his feelings and actions, says psychologist Marina Myaus. “Sometimes these subpersonalities slyly confuse us. It seems to us that we need to strengthen the influence of the Parent or the Adult, become more rational, and then we will come to success, but for this, the voice of a carefree Child is just not enough.
Let’s try to understand each of these important internal states.
Controlling Parent
As a rule, a collective image of those adult figures who were authoritative for us in childhood and adolescence: parents, older acquaintances, teachers. Moreover, the age of a person does not play a fundamental role. “It is important that it was he who gave us the feeling: you can do this, but you can’t,” explains the psychologist. “As they grow older, the images of these people unite, becoming a part of our Self.” A parent is an internal censorship in each of us, our conscience, which puts moral prohibitions.
“My colleague was unfairly fired at work,” says Arina. — All her fault was that she honestly opposed the illegal actions of the leadership. Everyone in the team was silent then, afraid of losing their job, and I also did not support her, although she fought not only for her own, but also for our common rights. I felt guilty for my silence, and after that the circumstances began to take shape not in my favor. The clients for whom she was responsible refused the services of our company. I was deprived of an award and an important project. Looks like I’m at risk of losing my job now.»
“Arina’s story is a classic example of how a person who goes against his conscience unconsciously creates situations in which he punishes himself. In this case, it starts to work worse, — Marina Myaus explains. “That’s how the Inner Parent works.”
We often wonder why so many people who do terrible things get away with it? They just don’t feel guilty because they don’t have a Controlling Parent. These people live without guidelines and principles, do not suffer from remorse and do not sentence themselves to punishment.
Dispassionate Adult
This is the rational part of our «I», designed to analyze the situation and make decisions. Adult is our awareness, which makes it possible to rise above the situation, without succumbing to the guilt that the Parent imposes, or the anxiety of the Child.
“This is our support, which helps to keep the presence of mind in difficult life situations,” says the expert. “At the same time, the Adult can unite with the Parent, and then, due to the hypertrophied rational principle, we are deprived of the opportunity to dream, to notice the joyful details of life, to allow ourselves pleasure.”
Sincere Child
It symbolizes the desires that come from childhood, do not carry any practical meaning, but make us happy. “I lack the determination to move forward and the ability to bring everything to the end,” Elena admits. — I wanted to create an online store to sell my work, I was engaged in its creation at night and on weekends. I worked during the day and studied at night. I didn’t have enough time for anything, I stopped meeting friends and going somewhere other than home, work and college. As a result, I was so tired that I decided to postpone the Internet project, and when I had more time, I lost interest in it.”
“The girl is sure that she lacks the perseverance and determination of the Adult, but the problem is that the Child is suppressed in her,” says Marina Myaus. — The part that lacked life as a holiday: meeting friends, communication, fun. Sometimes it seems to us that we cannot achieve something because we are too infantile. In fact, modern man, living in a world of strict regulations and a focus on achievement, simply lacks the joy of the Child.
Without the fulfillment of children’s desires, it is difficult to move forward. It is the Child that gives strength and that bright charge, without which it is impossible to implement «adult plans» that require discipline and composure.