Hevitra ato Anatiny
Having a favorite child, how is it experienced in siblings?
According to an American study, in October 2015, soritr'aretin'ny tavy fisotroanadia also high in children who think they are closest to their mother than among those who think they have been in conflict with her the most, or have disappointed her the most. The study also states that there is no difference between girls and boys. Catherine Sellenet, psychologist and author of the book “The favorite child, luck or burden?”, Explains in the daily Le Monde, in 2014, that “ parental preference is an indescribable, disturbing phenomenon that is experienced shamefully. She is transgressive, incompatible with the ideal model of the family where everything is shared equally, ”she explains. Anne Bacus, psychotherapist, thinks, for her part, that parents should not always seek equality between their children. Explanations.
Favorite child, taboo subject
Being the favorite child is a hidden subject in families. “Parents rarely confide in him. It is taboo and often unconscious. In general, they recognize themselves in one of the children because they see in him a part of themselves. Or, there is a personality trait that they particularly like in one ”, specifies Anne Bacus. For children, this preference would not be at all obvious to live. ” The status of “preferred” is given between brothers and sisters. They say it to each other most often, “you, you are the darling “, Without saying out loud what it actually does to them,” explains the shrink.
When each parent has their favorite
Most often there is ” a natural and spontaneous preference of a parent towards such and such a child. The father will “prefer” the oldest and the youngest mother, for example! », Adds Anne Bacus. Things are not going too badly in this case. Is the favorite child more protected than the others by the parent who pampers him? ” Not necessarily. It will arouse jealousy in the siblings, thus provoking rivalries between the children. Often, a feeling of injustice can develop towards him: why him and not me? », Indicates the psychologist. She also specifies that in a family with no stated preference, all the children think that other people are the favorites.
Beware of favoritism!
Anne Bacus warns parents. “Watch out for parents’ behavior: if there is objective evidence that there is favoritism, it can make children unhappy », She explains. A feeling of injustice can arise and make the unwanted child suffer (in silence). When siblings don’t get along too well, bicker, these rivalries can be due to adult favoritism. “The children will spend their time measuring what each other has,” says the psychologist.
Don’t try to be egalitarian
To avoid this kind of rivalry, Anne Bacus advises parents to tell their children: “ I have two only children. And I love you so much, each for who you are. You are unique in my heart! », She explains. She also believes that one should not seek to be egalitarian at all costs. “Above all, not enter the game of children who seek absolute equality. For example, when one of them says “he had this, I want the same”, the parent can specify that each child receives what he needs or particularly likes and since they are different, this is not the same for everyone, ”explains the psychologist. It is important that the parent takes into account the uniqueness and personality of each child and does not “absolutely” try to do the same or especially the same for everyone. ” Each child should be complimented for who they are, at different times, simply because parents love them differently! », Concludes the psychologist.
Testimonial: I prefer my eldest son to his younger sister
Ho ahy, mazava ho azy fa manan-janaka… Koa rehefa nihaona tamin’i Bastien vadiko aho, teo amin’ny faha-26 taonako, dia naniry haingana be ny ho bevohoka. Rehefa avy niandry folo volana, dia bevohoka ny zanako voalohany aho. Niaina tamim-pahatoniana aho tamin'ny nahabevohoka ahy: faly be aho lasa reny! Nilamina tsara ny fanaterana ahy. Ary raha vao nijery an'i Davida zanako aho, dia nahatsapa fihetseham-po mahery vaika, fitiavana amin'ny fahitana voalohany ny zanako izay tsy maintsy ho tsara tarehy indrindra teto an-tany… Latsa-dranomaso aho! Nilaza hatrany ny reniko fa sarin-drorako izy, tena mirehareha aho. Nampinono azy aho ary tena nahasoa ny sakafo rehetra. Tonga tany an-trano izahay ary nitohy ny volan-tantely teo amin’ny zanako lahy. Ankoatra izany, dia natory haingana izy. Tiako mihoatra noho ny zava-drehetra ny zanako lahy kely, izay nahatonga ny vadiko ho nijaly kely, izay nihevitra fa tsy dia niraharaha azy aho!
My husband talked about expanding the family when my son was 3 1/2
Rehefa telo taona sy tapany i David, dia niresaka momba ny fanitarana ny fianakaviana i Bastien. Nanaiky aho, saingy rehefa nieritreritra izany, dia tsy maika ny hanomboka faharoa. Natahotra ny fihetsiky ny zanako aho, nirindra tsara ny fiarahanay. Ary teo amin'ny zoro kely iray teo amin'ny lohako, dia nihevitra aho fa tsy hanana fitiavana be dia be homena ny faharoa. Rehefa afaka enim-bolana, dia bevohoka aho ary niezaka nanomana an’i David amin’ny fahaterahan’ny zandriny vavy. : nolazainay fa tovovavy io raha vao fantatray ny tenanay. Tsy dia faly loatra izy satria ho tia anadahy kely “hilalao”, araka ny nolazainy!
Niteraka an’i Victoria kely àry aho, mahafatifaty hohanina, nefa tsy tsapako ny fahatafintohinana ara-pihetseham-po niainako rehefa nahita ny anadahiny. Somary nahagaga ahy ilay izy, saingy tsy nanahy aho. Raha ny marina, ny tao an-tsaiko dia ny fomba handraisan'i David ny zandriny vavy, ary nanahy ihany koa aho fa ny fahaterahan'ny zanako faharoa dia hanova ny fifandraisanay izay nifamatotra. Rehefa sambany vao nahita an'i Victoria i David, dia tena natahotra izy, tsy te hikasika azy ary nanomboka nilalao ny kilalaony iray nefa tsy niraharaha azy na momba izany amiko! Niova be ny fiainanay, nandritra ireo volana nanaraka.Matetika i Victoria no nifoha tamin’ny alina, fa tsy toy ny anadahiny izay natory haingana be. Reraka aho, na dia nampita tsara ahy aza ny vadiko. Nandritra ny andro dia nitondra ny zanako vavy betsaka aho, satria nitony haingana kokoa izy tamin'io fomba io. Marina fa nitomany matetika izy ary noho ny tsy maintsy nataoko dia nampitahaiko tamin’i David izay zaza nilamina tamin’ny taonany. Rehefa notrotroiko ilay zaza, dia nanatona ahy ny zanako lahy ary nangataka ahy mba hitrotro… Tiany hitondra azy koa aho. Na dia nohazavaiko taminy aza fa lava izy, fa ny anabaviny dia zazakely, Fantatro fa nialona izy. Ny farany dia klasika. Fa izaho, nanao tantara an-tsehatra aho, nahatsapa ho diso aho noho ny tsy nikarakarako ny zanako lahy ary niezaka ny “nanamboatra” azy aho tamin’ny fanomezana fanomezana kely azy sy nanoroka azy raha vao natory ny zanako vavy! Natahotra aho sao hihena ny fitiavany ahy!
“I ended up admitting to myself that maybe I preferred David to Victoria”
Tsikelikely, tamin’ny fomba feno hafetsena, no niafarako tamin’ny tenako fa angamba i David no tiako kokoa noho i Victoria. Rehefa sahy nilaza izany aho dia menatra. Saingy teo am-pandinihana tena aho dia nisy zava-misy kely maro niverina tao an-tsaiko: marina fa niandry ela kokoa aho vao nitrotro an'i Victoria tamin'izy nitomany, raha ho an'i David, tamin'io taona io ihany, dia akaiky aho. izy amin'ny faharoa! Raha mbola nampinono ny zanako nandritra ny valo volana aho, dia tsy nampinono an’i Victoria intsony aho, roa volana taorian’ny niterahako, satria reraka aho. Raha ny marina, dia nampitaha ny toe-tsaiko tamin’izy roa aho, ary vao mainka nanome tsiny ny tenako.
Nanimba ahy izany rehetra izany, saingy tsy sahy nilaza izany tamin’ny vadiko aho sao hotsarainy. Raha ny tena izy, Tsy nilaza na iza na iza momba izany aho, nahatsapa reny ratsy be tamin'ny zanako vavy aho. Very torimaso aho! Victoria, marina izany, dia zazavavy kely tezitra, nefa tamin'izany fotoana izany dia nampihomehezany be aho rehefa niara-nilalao izahay. Nalahelo ny tenako nanana eritreritra toy izany. Tsaroako koa fa tamin'ny fitondrana vohoka faharoa dia natahotra mafy aho sao tsy ho afaka hitia ny zanako faharoa amin'ny herin'ny voalohany. Ary ankehitriny toa nitranga izany…
Prefer one of her children: I consulted a wonderful shrink
Lasa lavitra be ny vadiko noho ny asany, nefa tsapany fa tsy ambony aho. Nametraka fanontaniana tsy novaliako izy. Tena meloka aho tamin'i Victoria… na dia toa nihalehibe aza izy. Nanomboka ketraka mihitsy aza aho. Tsy nikasa izany aho! Ny iray tamin'ireo namako akaiky indrindra dia nanoro hevitra ahy handeha hijery psychotherapist mba hahatakatra ny zava-mitranga ao amin'ny noggin-ko! Nahita "fihenam-bidy" mahafinaritra iray izay azoko itokisana aho. Sambany aho no niresaka tamin'olona momba ny alaheloko noho ny fahatsapako fa aleoko ny zanako lahy toy izay ny zanako vavy. Hainy ny nahita ny teny hampitonena ahy. Nohazavainy tamiko fa mahazatra kokoa noho ny eritreretinao izany. Fa nijanona ho resaka fady, ka nahatsiaro tena ho meloka ireo renim-pianakaviana. Nandritra ny fotoam-pivoriana dia takatro fa tsy mitovy ny fitiavanao ny zanakao, ary ara-dalàna ny manana fifandraisana hafa amin'ny tsirairay amin'izy ireo. Ny fahatsapana, arakaraka ny fotoana, mifanaraka kokoa amin'ny iray, avy eo amin'ny iray hafa, dia tsy mety ho mahazatra kokoa. Nanomboka nihena ny vesatry ny heloko izay notaritarihiko niaraka tamiko. Maivamaivana aho tsy ho raharaha. Niresaka izany tamin’ny vadiko izay somary gaga ihany aho nony farany. Hitany fa tsy nanam-paharetana tamin’i Victoria aho, ary nitondra an’i David toy ny zazakely aho, nefa noheveriny fa ny reny rehetra dia manana toerana malemy ho an’ny zanany. Nanapa-kevitra izahay fa ho mailo tanteraka. Tsy nieritreritra mihitsy i Victoria hoe "ganagana ratsy tarehy" an-dreniny izy ary tokony hino i David fa izy no "malala". Nanao fandaharana ny vadiko mba ho tonga tao an-trano bebe kokoa sy hikarakara bebe kokoa ny ankizy.
On the advice of my “shrink”, I took turns taking each of my little ones for a walk, to a show, to eat a Mac-Do, etc. I stayed with my daughter longer when I put her to bed and read a bunch of books to her, which I had done very little until now. I realized one day, that in fact, my daughter had a lot of character traits in common with mine. Lack of patience, milk soup. And this character a little strong, my own mother reproached me for it during all my childhood and adolescence! We were two girls, and I always thought my mom preferred my older sister because she was easier to get along with than me. In fact, I was in the rehearsal. But I wanted more than anything to get out of this pattern and rectify things while there was still time. In one year of therapy, I believe I have succeeded in restoring the balance between my children. I stopped feeling guilty the day I understood that loving differently doesn’t mean loving less… ”