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What if you are a “lark” and your partner is an “owl”, or vice versa? What to do if your work schedules categorically do not match? Go to bed together to strengthen intimacy, or go to different rooms in the evenings? The main thing is to seek a compromise, experts are sure.
Comedian Kumail Nanjiani and writer/producer Emily W. Gordon, creators of Love Is a Sickness, once made the decision to go to bed at the same time every night, regardless of their daily routine.
It all started like this: a few years ago, on duty, Gordon had to get up and leave the house earlier than Nanjiani, but the partners agreed to go to bed at the same time. A few years later, their schedules changed, and now Nanjiani got up earlier and earlier, but the couple stuck to the original plan, even if they had to go to bed at eight in the evening. Partners say it helped them stay connected, especially when work schedules kept them apart.
Alas, not everyone succeeds in what Nanjiani and Gordon did: the division into “larks” and “owls” has not been canceled, the circadian rhythms of partners often do not coincide. Moreover, it happens that one of the spouses suffers from insomnia or the schedules are so different that if you go to bed together, there will be catastrophically little time for sleep.
“And chronic lack of sleep negatively affects our state and mood,” explains Mayr Kruger, a sleep expert at the Yale Institute. “We feel sleepy, we get irritated quickly, and our cognitive abilities decline.” In the long term, lack of sleep can lead to heart problems, metabolic disorders, and malfunctions in the immune system.
But instead of blaming your partner for not getting enough sleep, experts advise working together to solve the problem.
Recognize that you need different amounts of sleep
“Recognizing differences is the key to solving this puzzle,” says Rafael Pelayo, a sleep specialist at Stanford Medical Center. You may have different needs, and that’s okay. Try to discuss them as openly and honestly as possible without judging each other.
“We need to discuss this before things get heated and you start having conflicts,” says psychologist Jesse Warner-Cohen.
Try going to bed and/or getting up together
Nanjiani and Gordon succeeded – maybe you should try it too? Moreover, the options may be different. “For example, if one of you needs a little more sleep, you can choose one thing: either go to bed or get up in the morning together,” Pelayo suggests.
Research shows that having partners go to sleep at the same time has a positive effect on how women view their relationship and gives them a sense of comfort and community with their spouse. Of course, this will have to compromise, but it’s worth it.
Go to bed even if you don’t feel like sleeping
Going to bed at the same time means a lot of moments that improve relationships. These are confidential conversations (the so-called “conversations under the covers”), and hugs, and sex. All this helps us to relax and “feed off” each other.
So even if you’re a night owl and sleep later than your early bird partner, you might still want to go to bed with him just to strengthen the bond between you. And, in general, nothing prevents you from returning to your business after your partner falls asleep.
Create the right atmosphere in the bedroom
If you don’t have to get up early in the morning, your partner’s heart-rendingly ringing alarm clock can drive you crazy. Therefore, Pelayo advises to discuss in all seriousness what exactly will wake you up. Choose what suits you: a “light” alarm clock, a silent vibration mode on your phone, or a melody that both of you love. Something that won’t disturb you or your sleeping partner – and in any case, earplugs and a sleep mask won’t disturb you.
If you or your spouse roll over endlessly from side to side, try changing your mattress—the bigger and firmer it is, the better.
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Different daily routines are far from the biggest problem: it happens that one of the partners suffers from insomnia, snores or walks in his sleep. This not only harms him, but also prevents his partner from getting enough sleep. In this case, you should contact a specialist. “Your problem is your partner’s problem, too,” reminds Mayr Kruger.
Sleep in different beds or rooms
This prospect confuses many, but sometimes it is the only way out. “From time to time to go to different bedrooms is quite normal,” says Jesse Warner-Cohen. “If at the same time you both feel rested in the morning, it will only be better for the relationship.”
You can try to alternate: spend some nights together, some in different rooms. Try, experiment, look for an option that suits both. “If you sleep together, but you don’t get enough sleep, you feel completely broken in the morning and you can barely move your legs, who needs it? the psychologist asks. “It is important that both of you are as comfortable as possible with each other – not only during wakefulness, but also in sleep.”