Your partner has confessed his love to you. You are sure that you are close and suitable for each other. However, the relationship is stuck at the stage of courtship and meetings. The man is in no hurry to take the next step and does not offer to live together. «Why is he so indecisive?» you ask yourself. We share the possible answers to this question.
He is afraid of intimacy
“We have been together for two years, we love and trust each other. And yet my friend does not want to live together, — says Arina. — When I hint, he says that we still have everything ahead and it is worth extending the romantic period. I feel that from time to time it is important for him to be alone and he seems to be afraid of losing his freedom.
“Some are so afraid of rapprochement that they have a counter-dependence — the fear of dependence on the person to whom they are attached,” explains psychologist Marina Myaus. “This fear of intimacy comes from childhood: the child is left to himself and is deprived of communication with the closest person — the mother.” Another adult does not appear next to him, with whom the baby would have a trusting contact. If the stage of attachment formation has not ended, it is difficult for a person to build relationships.
He did not separate from his mother
“We have a close relationship, and I would really like us to start a family and be truly together,” Olga admits. “Sometimes I think it’s because his mom doesn’t like me, which influences him a lot.”
Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, who has studied the problem of the incomplete separation of mother and child, jokingly compared the mother to a female crocodile who seeks to drag her grown baby back into the womb.
“We are talking about controlling mothers, prone to overprotection. At the same time, a man may not live with his mother and not even maintain contact with her, the expert explains. “However, at an unconscious level, he never broke away from his domineering parent and deep down he is afraid that you will follow in her footsteps and begin to control his every step.”
Even if you do not give him a reason to suspect you of this, he projects the image of his mother onto every close woman. And this prospect frightens him desperately.
Inona ny manaraka?
The romantic period of meetings with such a person can be unusually emotionally saturated, which makes it seem to the woman that the subsequent life together will be the same. However, a partner who is incapable of rapprochement, but nevertheless in need of warmth and attention, demonstrates such intensity of feelings only for a short time. And then, as a rule, he has an emotional decline. Therefore, only meetings suit him, but not a life together.
“If a man does not offer anything and a “dead zone” begins in a relationship, a woman often has the so-called “casino effect”. She wants to win back the situation so that the man recognizes its significance and makes a long-awaited proposal, the psychologist comments. — She puts an ultimatum: either we will be together, or I’m leaving. The partner may, under her pressure, agree. However, then you have to push the man to the next stage, the birth of children, and be responsible for the relationship that he did not choose.
In an alliance built on manipulation, mutual discontent and disappointment will inevitably grow.
It is worth agreeing in advance about what you expect from the relationship and what the partner is striving for. “If a lot of things do not suit you from the very beginning, but you want to give your union a chance, determine for yourself a period after which honestly answer yourself the question of whether your plans and expectations coincide,” the psychologist suggests.
If a relationship isn’t going anywhere, is it worth it to stay in it? You will get what you want only at the cost of manipulation, and in the future, living together will not bring joy to either side. A partner who is not able to share your dreams and desires will take the place of someone who is sincerely ready to do this in your life.