Jealousy is like a double-edged sword, says psychology professor Clifford Lazarus. In small quantities, this feeling protects our union. But as soon as it is allowed to bloom, it gradually kills the relationship. How to deal with an overabundance of jealousy?
Behind whatever feelings we hide jealousy, no matter how we express it, behind it there is always a fear of the disappearance of a loved one, a loss of self-confidence and growing loneliness.
“The tragic irony of jealousy is that, over time, it feeds fantasies that are often disconnected from reality,” says cognitive therapist Clifford Lazarus. — The jealous person speaks about his suspicions to his partner, he denies everything, and attempts to defend himself from offensive words begin to be considered by the accuser as confirmation of his guesses. However, the transition of the interlocutor into a defensive position is only a natural response to the pressure and emotional onslaught of a jealous person.
If such conversations are repeated and the “accused” partner has to report again and again where he was and whom he met, this devastates and gradually alienates him from the “prosecutor” partner.
In the end, we risk losing a loved one by no means because of his romantic interest in a third party: he may simply not withstand the atmosphere of constant distrust, the obligation to calm the jealous and take care of his emotional comfort.
Antidote to jealousy
If, when you are jealous of your partner, you start asking yourself questions, you can be more constructive about your feelings.
Ask yourself: what is it that makes me jealous right now? What am I really afraid of losing? What am I trying to keep? What in a relationship keeps me from feeling confident?
Listening to yourself, you can hear the following: “I’m not good enough (good) for him”, “If this person leaves me, I can’t cope”, “I won’t find anyone and I’ll be left alone.” Analyzing these questions and answers will help reduce the level of perceived threat, thereby dissolving feelings of jealousy.
Often, jealousy is fueled by our subconscious fears that have nothing to do with the intentions of the partner, so the next stage is a critical attitude towards what seems to us to be evidence of the infidelity of a loved one. The ability to soberly assess what became the true trigger of anxiety is the most important step in solving the problem.
It seems that a loved one is the source of our feelings, but only we ourselves are responsible for the manifestation of our jealousy
Communicate with your partner with respect and trust. Our actions affect our thoughts and feelings. Showing distrust of a partner, we begin to experience more and more anxiety and jealousy. On the contrary, when we are open to a loved one and turn to him with love, we feel better.
Avoid the pronoun «you» and try to say «I» as often as possible. Instead of saying, «You shouldn’t have done this» or «You made me feel bad,» construct the phrase differently: «I had a really hard time when it happened.»
Your assessment of the situation may be fundamentally different from how your partner looks at it. Try to remain objective, even if at times you feel like lashing out at him with accusations. It seems that a loved one is the source of our feelings, but only we ourselves are responsible for the manifestation of our jealousy. Try to listen more instead of provoking your partner with endless excuses.
Try to get into the partner’s position and sympathize with him. He loves you, but becomes a hostage to your heightened feelings and internal experiences, and it is not easy for him to endure your interrogations again and again. In the end, if the partner realizes that he is powerless to alleviate your feelings of jealousy, he will begin to ask himself painful questions: where will your relationship turn and what to do next?
This is how jealousy, born perhaps only of the imagination, can lead to the consequences that we most feared.
About the author: Clifford Lazarus is a professor of psychology.