Hevitra ato Anatiny
Where is the time bomb in the relationship? How to track the mechanism of destruction, while still under the spell of falling in love? Why are some unions doomed, and how can a painful break be useful? Psychologist Galina Turetskaya explains.
Often relationships begin with the classic role-playing: he pursues, she evades. He craves attention, intimacy, affection, and she ignores him or pretends to. Then she agrees to go somewhere for lunch, dinner, and very soon the trap slammed shut.
No one deliberately caught anyone, did not lure anyone in the net, like a spider waiting for the victim to give up, on the contrary, everything was done with sincere interest and by mutual agreement. This sincerity and passionate worship of the object of desire is everything. It lulls vigilance: she continues to perceive herself as the queen of the ball, and meanwhile the wheel of events imperceptibly turns around, and now: “… Yesterday I lay at my feet, equaled with the Chinese power. Immediately unclenched both hands … «.
Why is it always a surprise even for smart and mature women? Everything happens naturally: it is difficult for a woman to resist a sincere, passionate interest in herself. The one who appreciated our merits automatically rises in our eyes, and as soon as she cast a favorable glance in his direction with the thought “What? He’s not so bad, not bad-looking and not too boring, ”the spiral begins to unwind in the opposite direction.
From internal throwing, he can escape to other relationships that will become a symbol of freedom.
There are different scenarios for the development of events. The first is that she has a strong immunity to fans, she simply got used to them. As the ugly heroine of one film dreamed, men fall at her feet and stack themselves in piles. But out of many, one will still be lucky — more stubborn, generous, witty, or simply at hand at a good moment. She will present herself as a royal gift, expecting that their relationship will forever remain, albeit a constitutional, but a monarchy. The more painful the ending. From surprise.
The second option is that the fortress is powerfully protected from falling by another attachment, ardent and impossible. Why impossible? For example, unrequited. Or he has been married for a long time and is firmly married — also a script for a play. When a third person appears on the stage, who returns to her a sense of her own significance, attractiveness, desirability — in a word, raises her to a pedestal — sooner or later she will look at him with warmth and take medicine from his hands for wounded female pride, and what then, read above .
You can resist, but you will definitely regret it. Now he dodges, she pursues. He stands in the doorway looking like a patient in the dentist’s chair, she grabs his hands, the lapels of his jacket, his bag of things. And it is already impossible to change the inevitable, except to postpone it.
We all did not receive enough love in childhood and we expect partners to prove our worth, we ask for recognition
Somewhere in the middle there is a happy moment of balance: both are still passionate, they still remember the beginning. By inertia, it seems to her that it is she who determines whether or not to be in a relationship. But the matter is already moving towards a denouement with liters of tears and the last farewell sex, which, of course, is better than all the previous ones.
It doesn’t matter if he goes to someone else. The main thing is that he is not around. And it happens at that very treacherous moment when she finally stopped doubting the question of whether he was worthy of her love, and accepted him with nightly snoring, dirty socks, a passion for computer games and culinary whims. I dreamed of joint old age. At that moment, both already knew each other well, when all frictions and growing pains were overcome with greater or lesser losses, in which he lost his original passion.
A terrible disease called boredom begins. Another name for it is the fear of attachment, responsibility, lack of freedom. As the hero of another film said, «… and I suddenly thought that this woman would flash before my eyes every day …» — and the unspoken continuation for the hero of our time: «… and I will not have the right to other women?».
Of course, he understands that with a great desire he can lie, hide, make amends, but this is not the freedom to be with anyone, when and where you want, and it was you who deprived him of this opportunity. Here, irrational hostility is added to fear.
With smart, intellectual women it is even more difficult — with them, a nasty superstructure is added on top of the explosive base: he internally rushes between fear and affection and begins to feel hostility towards himself, and shame towards you. He understands that you did nothing wrong to him. Or vice versa: shame on yourself, hostility towards you. As a result, he convinces himself that he is ruining your life. Tries to convince you of this, regardless of your own opinion on this matter. From internal throwing, he can «escape» to other relationships, which will become a symbol of freedom.
With equal success, he can forget, drink down or score, the latter is more suitable for people with a less fine mental organization. Forgetting in this case is passive aggression and subconscious avoidance of relationships, when they “forget” to call you, warn you about changed plans, fulfill a promise.
When the gentleman begins to complain about his memory, the relationship has already entered a peak. Torn apart by contradictions, he could be pitied if his own feelings, shattered to pieces, did not hurt so much.
exhausting question
Why did this happen, for the thousandth time she asks herself the question and for the thousandth time she answers: «Because I was not smart enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough.» When other versions appear among the answers, for example: “He is not a good person,” the process turned towards recovery. Even defensive aggression is better than self-flagellation.
However, all answers are wrong. To blame oneself means to exploit the innate female sense of guilt; it is already always ready to aggravate your depression. Blaming him is wrong too. If he were the horned, stubborn animal you named him, you wouldn’t let him get that close to you.
He was scared, which means you were close too, terribly close. Praise yourself for it and switch to yourself. Open wounds are a gift! As if you have been drilling a mine for a long time in search of minerals, and now it remains to make the last move, and black gold comes to the surface like a fountain. Take care of yourself now before you have cemented your emotional shaft to avoid painful repetition so that no one else can hurt you.
You will be surprised how easy and fast the path of personal maturity initiations can be.
There are many happy or not so happy years of life ahead. Making them happy is your responsibility, and you just made sure that this responsibility cannot be shifted to another. Just do not understand who is right and who is wrong. The main question is why now you have lost your balance so much and feel like a bitterly crying child whose life has given a major crack.
Why did another person, no matter how wonderful he was, become vital for you, so that you even changed yourself — from indifference to affection, passion, and now — to the impossibility of living without someone who was completely uninteresting to you. And in answer to this question, the global truth of life: we all did not receive enough love in childhood and expect partners to prove our worth, unconsciously ask for recognition, expect them to solve our problems, love and pamper us like a father who did not love us.
The one who can give it to us automatically becomes desirable and necessary, like a drug dealer for a drug addict. We are adults according to the passport, but we enter into relationships like children, each with his own backpack of sorrows, in the secret hope that the partner is an adult, he can handle it. And they didn’t like him either.
Transformation time
You can talk about this sad topic for a long time, but words cannot help grief. There are no others, and in general, you can only do something with yourself. “Love”, grow up, give yourself all the care, so as not to expect it from a partner, build this module into your personality, make a personal upgrade. Not in order not to need anyone, but in order not to put an unbearable burden on partners over the years of accumulated dislike and to enter into a relationship from an adult position with another adult.
There is one assumption that you may not agree with, because it is unpleasant to agree with this: most of us lack internal maturity. Girls, «unloved» by their fathers, boys warped by female upbringing, walk the streets. For them, even the term was coined — the eternal youth, puer aeternus (lat.) — the one who does not want to grow up and take responsibility.
Maybe you just got one? And if this is so, then one more law of life has to be voiced: like is attracted to like, which means that you lack maturity. Fortunately, this law has a more pleasant side: as you grow, so do the circumstances of life, and the people who surround you. How to «love» yourself? You will be surprised how easy and fast this path of personal maturity initiations can be.
Pass it for yourself with the task of feeling confident, calm, strong, your own worth, regardless of circumstances and external recognition, and it will come. Since the mine of your outrageous feelings is now going deep into the base of your personality, even a small change there will give tremendous transformations on the surface. You will also thank him for showing you the way to your true self.